I must go
by BethAnnDownton
Summary: **** Two Chapter Update*** Carson must go to America.
1. Chapter 1

Charles hated the memory of that afternoon. He came down the stairs and headed towards her pantry he paused outside the door to watch her as she worked at her desk calculating something or another. He sighed to himself; he had planned to speak with her that very evening about retirement. About doing so together, he thought he may very well have been bold enough to have asked for her hand and finally admit he had admired her for so long. But that opportunity was no longer. Charles knocked lightly on the door frame and she raised her gaze to meet his.

"Hello, what can I help you with this afternoon Mr. Carson?"

 _Best just be out with it._ Charles thought. "I just spoke with his Lordship and I will be traveling with him to America, Her Ladyships brother seems to have gotten himself into some kind of debt and His Lordship has to go bail him out, we leave at sunrise." His shoulders sagged and he met her eyes again to read her response. She looked up at him from her desk and he began to explain to her that he was going to America with Lord Grantham She remained silent, as her face fell, shocked by what he had said.

Quietly, as she did not trust herself to speak, she asked "Why must it be you?" She had tears in her eyes but was fighting to hold them back.

"With Anna's condition being as it is His Lordship thought it best that Bates stay and be present for the birth. His Lordship stated that Mr. Barrow was out of the question and Mr. Mosley is helping his father and won't be returning to the Abbey for another week that leaves me as the last option." Charles sighed, he did not want to go. Charles took a deep breath to steady himself and began Mrs. Hughes, I wanted to .."

At the same time Charles began to speak Elsie pushed herself up from her seat with a heavy sigh "Well that is that then!" Elsie said still fighting the tears. "Have a safe journey; we will be just fine here as always." She pushed past him and headed up the stairs towards her room. She was tired; both physically and mentally. She had hoped that after the talk they had the previous evening Charles would soon come to her with a proposal for retirement or even marriage. But that was just silly fantasy and now she felt a fool for believing he wanted leave with her. He was clearly not as ready to retire as he had led her to believe last night. "A trip to America indeed!" She muttered as she slammed the door to her bedroom and it echoed through the house.

Charles was distraught he wanted to call out to her finish telling her what he had to say before he left the house, left her, for months. By the time he had gained composure she had disappeared behind the door at the top of the stairs. He had heard the faint slam of her bedroom door seconds later. His heart ached to go to her to explain that he did not want to go on this trip, to show her his plans, he had wanted to spend the next months searching for a place to retire with her, and he had even already selected a few places for them to look at together on their next half day. To Charles extreme disappointment Mrs. Hughes did not come down to supper that evening.

Charles saw that Mrs. Patmore was preparing a dinner tray to be taken to Mrs. Hughes. He quickly slipped outside and Cut the most perfect rose from the bush. He scribbled onto a sheet of paper:

 _I am sorry, I would stay but if I could, Pleasant dreams._

Charles rushed out just as Daisy was headed up with the tray, propriety be damned he thought as he called out for her to stop. Charles placed the rose and the slip of paper on the tray and returned Daisy's smile with a sad half smile of his own. "I hope this helps." He muttered as he turned back toward his pantry. Charles stayed up most of the night writing to Mrs. Hughes. Trying to get down on paper exactly what he wanted to say to her.

He fell asleep at his desk. Waking just before dawn with enough time to change and pack quickly. He heard Mrs. Hughes leave her room while he was packing and he quickly slipped next door to her room pausing as he entered. He had never been inside her room. He took a deep breath; it smelled like her. He quickly looked around for the best place to leave his letter. He spotted the rose he had sent up to her on the bedside table he smiled. Charles knew leaving the letter on her pillow was a little risqué. He shouldn't be in her room let alone near to her bed. But with the months that were going to pass between them and the next time they talked he did not want her to doubt that he meant every word he had written. Charles held small box, inside was the ring he had meant to give her last night he placed it on the pillow next to the letter but he thought again and picked it back up before leaving her room. Charles did not have time to dally the sun was rising and he and his lordship needed to be on the first train. He quickly grabbed his suitcase and went in search of Mrs. Hughes.

"Aye you better get upstairs his lordship has been looking for you for ten minutes now." Mrs. Patmore said shoving a breakfast sandwich into his hands.

"Where is she." He asked looking around panicked.

"Elsie too has been looking for you but after his lordship called for you with no answer she thought it best that she go help him with the final preparations they are all out on the drive." Mrs. Patmore finished as Charles rushed out the door.

There she was standing right next to his lordship and her ladyship had woken as well to see them off. _How was he going to get a private word with her?_ Charles was distraught. _He wasn't! Oh he should have just left the ring up in her room along with the letter, now she will have to wait months wondering what exactly his letter had meant! Oh this was not how he planned it at all._ Charles composed himself as he approached the small group. " I apologize" he said lifting the bags into the trunk.

"Very well let's be off then" Lord Grantham said turning to her ladyship for a final goodbye.

Mrs. Hughes held out the small book she was holding to Mr. Carson. "I am sorry we didn't have any more time this morning, I thought it might be nice if you kept a journal of sorts to share with me when you return. Being that post will be so slow." She smiled up at him placing on top of the notebook a thick envelope with: _Charles_ written across the front. "For you to read on you long journey" She whispered leaning in close. She wanted to much reach out and kiss him.

Charles placed his hands over hers, Slipping the box into the palm of her hand, begging her with his eyes to understand. As he accepted the gifts he leaned in as close as he dared and whispered. "When I return to you I will ask you properly." He didn't break eye contact with her but stepped back toward the car as his lordship called out to him. "Stay well, Mrs. Hughes." Charles called out as he ducked into the front seat of the car.

Elsie quickly slipped the box into her pocket and turned to her ladyship. "Well Mrs. Hughes. What shall we girls get up to in these next days?"  
Mrs. Hughes smiled back saying. "We shall see. Is there anything I can get for you now?"

"No, that will be all. Do run along and see what is in that box that Mr. Carson so sweetly slipped to you while he thought I wasn't looking." Cora smiled sweetly and turned to return to the house.

Elsie patted her pocket and rushed toward her pantry.


	2. Chapter 2

Her hands were shaking as she opened the box, that Charles had pushed into her hands before he had rushed off whispering his apologies and promise to return and ask her properly. A simple diamond ring with a gold band, Elsie smiled wiping the tears away she whispered "Yes, yes, a thousand times yes" she shook her head. That man why did he leave her with this precious gift? Why didn't he just save it to ask her when he returned? Or Better yet why hadn't he asked her last night? _Because you didn't give him the chance to,_ she reminded herself as she sunk into her desk chair. Her heart was aching with regret. She had heard him call after her when she had quickly run up the stairs after he had told her the news. She had thought at the time " _let him know how it feels to be denied something you want"_ and had locked herself up in her room for the remainder of the evening. After Daisy had brought up the tray with the rose and note attached she did feel a little guilty but decided a letter for him to read on the long journey would sit better than a heated discussion just before she left.

She had intended to speak with him this morning, to present him with the letter she had stayed up all night getting just right and the journal that she wanted him use record his experiences and thoughts of the trip to America, she intended for him to read it to her he returned (perhaps next to the fire in her sitting room while sipping sherry). She wanted to promise him that she would still be here when he returned she wanted him to insure her that he would be perfectly safe and return to her before she could miss him. But as the early morning hours ticked by Mr. Carson was nowhere to be seen he finally came rushing on to the driveway, after Mr. Mosely had been sent in search for him, he was sweating and his eyes were darting around franticly as he muttered "this won't do, this surely won't do... Where is she, she wouldn't let me leave without a …" his eyes met hers and he started for her as His lordship shouted to him "Do hurry along Carson we have only thirty minutes to make the train!". This startled Charles and he quickly turned towards his lordship apologizing and promising to be right there.

After their much too quick good bye and now to see that Charles was late because he had been searching for her Elsie felt miserable. She glanced down at her watch, hoping by some miracle if she were to leave now for the train station she could get there before he left. And then do what? She admonished herself. Have another rushed goodbye? Elsie sighed and bent to rest her head on her desk.

Not an hour later the back door slammed shut and footsteps rushed to Elsie's sitting room door. With a light tap the door was quickly opened and then closed again. Elsie sat up startled from her cat nap her eyes red and hair a mess. The ring box was tightly grasped in her hand. As she took in the sight before her she was shocked she jumped out of her seat. "But how did you? You should be on the train!" Elsie exclaimed moving towards Charles. "The train needed and emergency repair. They estimated a two hour delay." He explained moving closer to her. "I told his lordship I had to go see about a girl…. I don't have long but I couldn't let myself leave if I knew I had an opportunity to get an answer from you before leaving." Charles bend down onto his knee grabbed her hands in his and looked up at her. "Elsie Hughes, Will you be my wife?"


	3. Chapter 3

"Yes, yes a thousand times." Elsie sobbed into his shoulder pulling him close and kissing along his neck. She felt Charles relax in her arms.

"I had planned to ask you last night…." Charles stuttered as he saw the look of shock in her eyes. "That was why I had originally asked you to join me in my pantry. His lordship called me up right after dinner and we immediately started making emergency travel arrangements. I didn't have time to find you to reschedule our little date. I saw how upset you were last night when I told you I was leaving, don't think I didn't notice, love."

Elsie's breath caught at that last word. _Already with endearments? She_ thought.

"I never like it when you leave and usually you're only in London. This time you're going to be crossing an ocean, not once but twice. I just wish I could be going with you, that I could stay by your side. I do need you to feel steady you know." Elsie said grabbing Charles' hand and holding it close to her chest. She was holding on much tighter than she typically would. She was dreading having to tell him good bye for so many long weeks and lonely evenings. The house was so empty without his presence. " And what if you get to America and find someone you love there and forget all about your life and those at the Abbey waiting for you!?" Elsie knew she sounded ridiculous now.

Charles bent down and kissed her passionately, pulling her body flush to his. Running his hands up and down her back and up into her hair. Elsie pulled him closer sliding her arms under his coat she breathed his sent in deeply. Elsie wobbled on her feet as Charles loosened the kiss but continued to hold her hands. "It appears I can make you feel quite unsteady as well, Mrs. Carson."

"You mean Mrs. Hughes?" She corrected with a smile. "No, I know what I said, you are mine and I am yours. Nobody can take you from me. Keep my heart safe love and when I return we will marry and share our love story with the world."

The clock chimed on the wall.

" I really must go now, ride with me back to the train." He said walking them out of her sitting room.

"


	4. Chapter 4

"I can't get out of the car." Elsie whispered as they pulled up to the train station. The train puffing smoke and they noticed Lord Grantham who was waving Carson back to the platform. "If I do I'll make a fool of myself in front of his lordship." Charles squeezed her hand tightly and turned to wrap his arms around her.

"I understand" He said. "And I shall be speaking with his lordship about our new status today. I plan to marry you as soon as I return and with marriage will come some changes." The train whistle blew and Charles jumped. "I'll miss you every moment. I'll telephone when we make it to the Livenson's… I don't know how I am going to survive these several weeks."

" Keep up with the Journal and I'll write to you every day and we can exchange the books the night you return. I Love you Charles."

"I love you Elsie." Charles was outside the car now he bent down for one final kiss then rushed off to meet his Lordship.


	5. Chapter 5

"Her Ladyship would like to see you in the library" Mr. Barrow announced as he opened Mrs. Hughes' sitting room door.

"I'll head up now."

Elsie paused outside the library door took a deep breath and entered.

"Mrs. Hughes." Cora smiled. "Thank you for coming so quickly. I just got off the telephone with Robe..His Lordship he and Carson have secured tickets and should be leaving within the next few hours for America. He also told me the great news Carson shared with him and let me be the first to say congratulations."

Elsie smiled shyly "Thank you. We hadn't much time to discuss our new status and I do hope we can keep the news quiet until they have returned…. But I am excited and happy beyond belief. I never imagined he would ask me to be his wife…Though I hoped….. Look at me rambling on Excuse me your Ladyship." Elsie covered her mouth.

"It's perfectly alright you deserve to be overjoyed!" Cora Smiled "Actually if I may tell you something a little silly His Lordship and I had a little wager between us that this would happen one day."

Elsie smiled and Made her excuses to get back to work. Oh what news to write to Charles…. _Really a wager? Was my love that obvious I thought I hit it quite well. Maybe it was something they had seen in Charles…. I'll have to think on this…_

The ship was rocking terribly and Charles' body was slamming into the wall as he sat on his bed tying to write. He groaned as he heard other passengers in the hall vomit from sea sickness.

 _Dearest_

 _After a busy day of finagling and much more money than His Lordship was expecting we secured tickets aboard a ship. While my quarters are no bigger than the silver pantry I am happy to say I do have a room to myself. We have been at sea several hours now and a storm has caused the ship to rock something dreadful so do excuse the even worse than usual handwriting. As I sit on my bed this our first evening aboard I find myself thinking of you and am at the same time dreadfully sad to be parted but happy beyond reason. I find that throughout the day I find myself smiling as I think "Elsie Hughes has agreed to become my wife!" Darling the lights keep flickering and I find I am dozing off I shall call it a night and shall have another entry for you tomorrow._

 _Always,_

 _Charlie_


End file.
